the boy I want

I don’t really know how to start this one. This past few weeks I have been taking a break and I was talking to a great guy, at least I thought I was. We had to keep our relationship a secret from my family. He actually works for my dad and has a rough past with drugs and my father would never really approve of him and I being together. I didn’t want to keep us a secret but we had both decided it would be a good idea so he could continue to better himself before we told him. So we had been sneaking around at night hanging out, once we got high together and another we just sat and talked.

I don’t really know why I enjoyed him so much, we come from such different backgrounds that us being together doesn’t even make complete sense to me. I know that I would be so good for him and that I would be able to help him get better. I really want to help him, I really want to be there for him but he won’t let me. And I really don’t get it but for some reason he is either pushing me away or not wanting me the way I want him.

Whenever we seem to have a really great day of talking and ending up hanging out and having an amazing time together he seems to disappear the next day. He drops off the face of the earth and doesn’t ever text me back or even tell me what is wrong. I keep telling him how I can’t do that, I need someone that can give me their 100% and I really thought he could be the one that would do that. The one that would sweep me off my feet and I really wanted him to be that man. I want him so badly but I feel like he doesn’t want me at all.

Roommate Rant

Living with other people is hard, especially when there is six girls all in one area. For me I really really hate it, I do not really get along with other girls. It isn’t like I am a bitch and they just don’t like me, it’s that with girls comes drama and I hate drama. I grew up hanging with the guys, whenever I hung out with the girls they didn’t like me because I am too blunt and don’t beat around the bush. I was the girl every girl shit talked.

No matter how old you get there is still drama, but in college its sorority drama. Now since I am not in a sorority they have declared me not good enough to know what or who they are talking about. Which honestly that is completely okay because I do not really care very much. But when they tell you that you should rush but then smack you down saying you can’t make “top”, then should you really rush if they don’t think you will even make it?

Also girls are so fucking loud! They talk loud, they bang shit around in the morning, their laughs are basically screams. Granted I know I can be loud to but thats normally only when I am drunk, so what is their excuse? Even when you are trying to study they have no respect and come in yelling and give no fucks that you are trying to pass your class because you don’t cheat on every single test like they do.

Just today while studying my roommate decided she was going to study to, and we all study in the living area because it is a bigger space and you can spread out. While I was actually studying she was on her phone yelling about how HOT the guy she is talking to is (he isn’t that attractive but she isn’t either). Then she decides to start a conversation with my other roommates about paint their nails and what color would look good for formal. After that she moved to talking about how she needs a date to formal because no one has asked her (maybe because she is one of the rudest humans ever). Oh and then she decides she needs to unload the dish washer making as much notice as she possibly can…

If you say you need to study shouldn’t you study or at least be respectful of the person studying right next to you? No, I guess not.

But then after I had been study for twenty minutes I decided to take a five minute break. I decided to go through the pictures on my computer deciding it was time to delete pictures of my ex or old nudes that are saved on it. While doing so I was making small comments on certain pictures I liked or had forgotten that I took them. She turns to me and goes “Can you shut up, you’re actually being really distracting” but when I was studying it was okay to be an annoying little bitch.?

If someone could please explain girls to me I would love it because I hate living with them and will never decide to room with other girls again because a lot of you girls are slobs.

He Tried to Eat my Mouth

His name is Clay, he brought me bad memories of one of my old coaches. We had decided to hang out but he wasn’t into the dating thing, he didn’t like to go out to the movies or go grab dinner. I decided that it was okay and maybe I needed someone like that anyways.

The first time we hung out I went to his college dorm room because he was doing summer school there, it was a little weird because there were so many guys living together and they were all so messy. I didm;t think he was ugly, no one is really ugly, but I really couldn’t see his face fully to make sure he was my type because it was so dark outside and when we went into his room it was also very dark.

All he wanted to do was lay in his bed watching Hawaii 5-O, which is a good show much I ¬†am much more of a movie person. He had asked me to give him a back massage and I did because I am actually pretty good at those and I didn’t mind giving it to him. It wasn’t until an hour in that I had started to feel uncomfortable, he had barely said a word to me. When he did talk it was constantly rude, he would put me down and act like I was stupid or make a comment about how women were below him in some sort of way. Then, every time I tried to talk to him and tried to get to know him better he would shush me because of his TV show, that I didn’t even crd to watch.

He kept saying he was joking and messing with me but it was pretty annoying to say the least. It was almost two a.m. when I left there and he didn’t want me to leave. He wanted me to stay the night with him, but honestly I was too uncomfortable to stay. Also lets just touch on the fact that I still lived with my parents and needed to respect the fact that they didn’t want me out till the next day.

When I had hung out with him for the second time, things weren’t much different at all. Same place, same show, same attitude. The only thing that was different was that he had actually tried to kiss me this time. I say tried because he only got to do it once and I wouldn’t let him try again.

He asked if he could kiss me the first time and I had said yes. So he did, but he completely missed my lips and kissed around my entire mouth. I mean his mouth was open and my lips were inside his mouth. And I instantly thought it was gross and didn’t want to do it again. It also didn’t help that I was figuring out I wasn’t too interested in him, in fact I was not interested at all. When he asked if he could kiss me again I said no and got out of there as fast as I could without being rude.


The Night I got Stood up

It has been awhile since I had really talked or done anything with a guy. I was too focused on graduating high school and trying to have my own kind of fun with my friends. But I did finally put myself back out there, I met a guy named Nick. We started talking and seemed to get along great, he was more on the party side than what I was used to but I thought I would give it a try because he was cute.

We kept telling each other we were going to hang out and kept talking about what we would do when we hung out but we never actually did. One day we had talked about this movie the both of us wanted to see and decided we would go together and set it all up. I should have known what was going to happen because he stopped responding about an hour before the movie. Hoping for the best I still drove to the theater and waited to see if he would show up. He didn’t.

I ended up driving around to a Dutch Bros coffee, because well I was already out of the house and I wanted to stay out for some time. Nick ended up texting me saying he was so sorry, he smoked too much and slept through his alarm he set, could he make it up to me? I told him I was getting coffee and the stand happened to be close to his house. He drove over and we sat in my car for hours…

We did not have sex, we did not even kiss. All we did was look through the sunroof at the stars and I had decided he wasn’t the guy for me.

Meet my ex

Hello everyone, this is my very first post and I thought I would go back into my past and tell you some short stories about my life.

First I would like you to meet my ex, his name is William and he’s a fucking asshole.¬†Please keep in mind through this whole thing that I was still in big school while he was graduated. We met on tinder, yes I know that is mostly used for hook ups, he was different from the other guys on there. Our conversation started perfectly and we enjoyed talking to each other for about a week before we decided to meet. First of all when we met he lied and said he was 5’10 and taller than me and my unusually long legs, but even though I was in flats and he was in boots he was still barely taller than me. He was extremely nice but I decided I did not want to date him because after a few dates and a few kisses, I was still gagging when I thought about him kissing me.

So how did he become an ex?

Well after a week of him still texting me everyday and being sweet, I decided we could be friends and hang out. After a few weeks of us just being only friends I had a date set up with another guy from tinder, but I was too scared to go alone so I talked Will into coming and tagging along. Let me tell you this guy from tinder brought a whole new definition of weird, and I found myself comparing Will to him and by the end of the night I had talked myself into dating Will. Mostly because I was scared to be alone and I had only had one short relationship before him.

We ended up being happy and in love! Well at least he was, I however couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong and that I would never be able to truly love him. But I kept trying because I wanted to be with him so badly. Plus every time I’d spend the weekend at his house I would get free weed and I would smoke so much it made our sex feel like I was on a whole other planet. Yes, I was really staying for the sex, I thought it was amazing. Besides the fact that I never knew what an orgasm was while I was with him. Every time we fucked I was high and I thought that was really how the sex felt, but then when he decided to go into the military we both had to stop smoking. After that everything changed, I payed more attention to my feelings and I wasn’t feeling things with him and I wasn’t sure I ever had.

I thought things would get better and that we were just in a rough patch but then his mom started becoming more and more concerned in our relationship. Probably due to her over hearing our constant late night fights. She had began asking questions about what we would do if he made it into the military, she started pushing for us to get married. She would keep asking me if I was going to have his kids and when I was going to make her a grandmother, because it had to happen before he went into the military in case he got injured. At this point I was going crazy in the relationship and I was taking any excuse to fight with him and try to get him to break up with me so I didn’t have to be the one to hurt him, but of course he didn’t.

We ended up going to my senior prom together, it was fun I am not going to say I had a horrible time. I was really trying to find the love I thought I could have with him. But the next day I had my border collie of 1 years old get ran over and killed. I was crushed and recked in every way you could imagine because well she was actually more of a therapy dog than a regular pet. I had a hard time moving on and I honestly couldn’t do anything sexual because I had lost my sex drive. With the loss of my sex drive came more fights and it even got to the point where I had his mother texting me and blowing up my phone about how I was a horrible girlfriend and I needed to start trying to make him happy again and move on with my life.

The reality was that after I had lost my dog, who I thought I would have for 13-15 years, I came to accept the fact that I didn’t actually love Will, I just loved the idea of having a boyfriend my senior year. I learned some crazy things from my doggo, she taught me how to love hard and fast, also that life should mean more than settling. But even though I had known I didn’t love him I couldn’t break up with him because he was my best friend and the only person I could constantly rely on. But as time when on and I slowly got my sex drive back, we started having sex again and I noticed he was different in bed. For a man that only liked a few sex positions, he decided that he liked a new one and “knows it feels good” when we hadn’t tried it and had been together for six months.

I started looking on the find my friends app more, when he would stop responding to me or miss our normal nightly phone calls. It would show him miles away from his house, at a park or on a street I didn’t recognize as his usual friends house, Blane. But when I would ask him where he was and he’d finally get back to me he said he was at Blanes, which didn’t make sense unless he moved over night. One night I had a horrible day and really needed to talk to him but he wouldn’t answer and find my friends said he was at “Blanes house”.

I called Blane:

Me: “Hey is Will there? I really need to talk to him, it’s sort of important”

Blane: “No I haven’t seen him in a month, I thought you two were broken up.”

Me: “We are still together, why do you think we are broken up? He’s been at your house almost every night last week.”

Blane: “Maybe you should talk to him, but out of respect I’m going to tell you that he has been seeing another girl. I thought it was his new girlfriend since he finds them so fast”

Her name is Chastity, how ironic? They had been sleeping together since my dog died. When we gave each other our stuff back, he brought her with him. I will never be able to get her face out of my memory.

I know I didn’t treat him right and I deserved some kind of karma but he had always promised to not cheat and to have a clean break up if we were unhappy. I was unhappy but at least I didn’t cheat on him.