the boy I want

I don’t really know how to start this one. This past few weeks I have been taking a break and I was talking to a great guy, at least I thought I was. We had to keep our relationship a secret from my family. He actually works for my dad and has a rough past with drugs and my father would never really approve of him and I being together. I didn’t want to keep us a secret but we had both decided it would be a good idea so he could continue to better himself before we told him. So we had been sneaking around at night hanging out, once we got high together and another we just sat and talked.

I don’t really know why I enjoyed him so much, we come from such different backgrounds that us being together doesn’t even make complete sense to me. I know that I would be so good for him and that I would be able to help him get better. I really want to help him, I really want to be there for him but he won’t let me. And I really don’t get it but for some reason he is either pushing me away or not wanting me the way I want him.

Whenever we seem to have a really great day of talking and ending up hanging out and having an amazing time together he seems to disappear the next day. He drops off the face of the earth and doesn’t ever text me back or even tell me what is wrong. I keep telling him how I can’t do that, I need someone that can give me their 100% and I really thought he could be the one that would do that. The one that would sweep me off my feet and I really wanted him to be that man. I want him so badly but I feel like he doesn’t want me at all.

He Tried to Eat my Mouth

His name is Clay, he brought me bad memories of one of my old coaches. We had decided to hang out but he wasn’t into the dating thing, he didn’t like to go out to the movies or go grab dinner. I decided that it was okay and maybe I needed someone like that anyways.

The first time we hung out I went to his college dorm room because he was doing summer school there, it was a little weird because there were so many guys living together and they were all so messy. I didm;t think he was ugly, no one is really ugly, but I really couldn’t see his face fully to make sure he was my type because it was so dark outside and when we went into his room it was also very dark.

All he wanted to do was lay in his bed watching Hawaii 5-O, which is a good show much I ¬†am much more of a movie person. He had asked me to give him a back massage and I did because I am actually pretty good at those and I didn’t mind giving it to him. It wasn’t until an hour in that I had started to feel uncomfortable, he had barely said a word to me. When he did talk it was constantly rude, he would put me down and act like I was stupid or make a comment about how women were below him in some sort of way. Then, every time I tried to talk to him and tried to get to know him better he would shush me because of his TV show, that I didn’t even crd to watch.

He kept saying he was joking and messing with me but it was pretty annoying to say the least. It was almost two a.m. when I left there and he didn’t want me to leave. He wanted me to stay the night with him, but honestly I was too uncomfortable to stay. Also lets just touch on the fact that I still lived with my parents and needed to respect the fact that they didn’t want me out till the next day.

When I had hung out with him for the second time, things weren’t much different at all. Same place, same show, same attitude. The only thing that was different was that he had actually tried to kiss me this time. I say tried because he only got to do it once and I wouldn’t let him try again.

He asked if he could kiss me the first time and I had said yes. So he did, but he completely missed my lips and kissed around my entire mouth. I mean his mouth was open and my lips were inside his mouth. And I instantly thought it was gross and didn’t want to do it again. It also didn’t help that I was figuring out I wasn’t too interested in him, in fact I was not interested at all. When he asked if he could kiss me again I said no and got out of there as fast as I could without being rude.


The Night I got Stood up

It has been awhile since I had really talked or done anything with a guy. I was too focused on graduating high school and trying to have my own kind of fun with my friends. But I did finally put myself back out there, I met a guy named Nick. We started talking and seemed to get along great, he was more on the party side than what I was used to but I thought I would give it a try because he was cute.

We kept telling each other we were going to hang out and kept talking about what we would do when we hung out but we never actually did. One day we had talked about this movie the both of us wanted to see and decided we would go together and set it all up. I should have known what was going to happen because he stopped responding about an hour before the movie. Hoping for the best I still drove to the theater and waited to see if he would show up. He didn’t.

I ended up driving around to a Dutch Bros coffee, because well I was already out of the house and I wanted to stay out for some time. Nick ended up texting me saying he was so sorry, he smoked too much and slept through his alarm he set, could he make it up to me? I told him I was getting coffee and the stand happened to be close to his house. He drove over and we sat in my car for hours…

We did not have sex, we did not even kiss. All we did was look through the sunroof at the stars and I had decided he wasn’t the guy for me.